Man-and-Woman-FTMyersTherapy

How To Find A Good Man / How To Find A Good Woman

Peg Walsh, CNS Therapy Blog

First of all, give up any story that you're telling yourself that finding a lover/partner/companion will not happen for you. People immobilize themselves by telling themselves negative stories that they are too old, too fat, too boring, too etc.. They tell themselves they are unlovable because of some very real events that have crushed their confidence in new possibilities or because early childhood experiences never allowed them to be confident of their desirability.

You are alone because you are alone, make it mean NOTHING. Consider it a starting place. Notice the loneliness and say to yourself, (if it is true) I want to be with someone now. Notice the loneliness and be compassionate to yourself. Loneliness can be so, so painful. Don't complicate it, it is enough to feel it and tell yourself the truth about your feeling. If you load on self-criticism, you torture yourself for no purpose.

You may find that in your loneliness, you can't say, I want someone here with me now. You may say, I have to keep people away because it is dangerous to get close again it is too dangerous to attach again. I am not good at being in a relationship. I am too afraid to try again. I can't trust myself to pick people, I pick people who are not right for me. Good for you for telling yourself the truth. These worries can immobilize you even though they may have a basis in reality.

Make a list of all the qualities that you want in this person you want to be with. I think identifying 30 characteristics is a good place to start. Keep working this vision of the kind of person that you would like to call forth into your life. Don't worry about being too demanding. The universe will not give you everything and there may be wonderful things the universe gives you that you didn't consider or that you wished you had.

Make a vision board by cutting out pictures from magazines or downloading from the internet. The pictures should be of couples that seem to capture the essence of the qualities that you want in your relationship. This vision board can hang on your wall or on your computer if it is digital. It can be your screen saver. Place it where you see it every day. This is a tool to keep calling your forward on your quest. When you get discouraged or feel hopeless, look at your board. Remember you only need one man/one woman. Tell yourself that they are looking for you too. And promise the universe that you will be very good to this person. Actually, you may be able to find them in your mind or as energy and begin to talk to them. Tell them you are ready and that you want them to come into your life now.

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Notice that there may be times when you don't want somebody. Be curious; ask yourself, if I could have this man/woman right now would I choose it?  You may be surprised that there are nights or days when you would prefer to be alone. This may give you information about some ambivalence about actually receiving someone. See what you can do to work through the resistance. It may be an indication that your Qualities List needs to be amended. You may find that to be totally comfortable with this person, you need to add something about sharing and understanding each other's need for aloneness and private time. You may also discover that you're not ready. And that's a good thing because it's not that you're hopeless, it's just that there's a part of you that doesn't want a partner right now. That's not a problem, that can change at any time. Recognizing this can be valuable because now you realize that you are not ready and you're alone by choice. That can significantly change the felt experience of loneliness.

Do not make a big deal about the fact that your man/woman is not here now. Because you could snap your fingers and all of a sudden he's there. You could run into her at the grocery store or at church or you could sit next to him on a bus ride. Joe Jaworski (author of  "Synchronicity: The Inner Path of Leadership") tells a story of walking through an airport and past a woman that he suddenly recognized he had to be with. He missed his plane and went after his future wife. Remember that this person can show up at any time. The fact that he/she is not here and hasn't been here for a long time, doesn't mean that he/she couldn't show up today. Remember the timing of the meeting is not under your control. It seems to belong to a power bigger than us. Call it what you will. Some people call it the God, universe, source, life. It is natural to feel impatient. It is useful if to trust the bigger plan. When it happens it will be perfect. I know that sounds like a cliche' but it's true.

Many people say that the best time to find a man/woman is when you're not looking for one. Many people say that you shouldn't feel desperate and needy and lonely or that it's the most important thing in the world to you. I have not found this to be true. These desperate lonely feelings don't go away because it would be better if you didn't have them. They are there and it's useful, to tell the truth to yourself. It is important to do whatever you can to self-soothe and take very good care of yourself. It is important that you not let the absence of your partner or the loneliness color your self-esteem. I don't believe that this loneliness has anything to do with how lovable you are. I think it just is.

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Remember. It is not always necessary to be in an intimate relationship to have a full life. There are many people who are not in an intimate relationship, who are alone but they are not lonely.

It is useful to be in action and to be in communication. Join a dating site or place a personal ad. Step out of your usual comfort zone and do more things. Meet people, get to know the people in your environment.

Whoever you meet, cherish and appreciate them even if you can tell right from the beginning of the conversation that they aren't for you. Send out good energy to all the men/women who show up. Be kind but if you are not interested that is OK. It is possible to say that you don't want another meeting. Give up the idea that you have a type. If the person is interesting and you are comfortable and having fun consider seeing them again. Holding to a type can make you eliminate good possibilities prematurely.

Be careful of the men and women who are seductive, elusive and make you work for their attention. When it is right, this man/woman will want to be with you as much as you want to be with them. There will be an ease and comfort. There are some people who are narcissists. When they turn their radiant attention to you, you can feel amazing. When they turn away from you, it is like the lights went out. Depending on your history, it may make you want to cling to them and do anything to have them with you. This is addictive. If you feel that kind of energy, back off, self-soothe and go SLOW. This person may not be for you.

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It's useful to join a dating site or place a personal ad. The ones I've seen have been Match.Com and eHarmony. Some people have used Christian Mingle. Some of my clients have met good people on Plenty of Fish. I am sure there are many other sites. When you go on the site make sure that you have several up-to-date pictures. Tell the truth about yourself. If you make a connection, arrange to meet the person as soon as possible so that you can see whether there's any attraction. If not move on to the next person. My clients tell me there are many people who just want to talk, text or email and not meet. Don't waste your time with them unless you want an electronic friend.

A good way to meet people is to do your passion: have you been wanting to join a choral group or take up tennis, join a bowling league or a biking club? Do it. Get out there. Does your church have a lot of social things going on that interest you? Is there somebody that you notice at the church service that comes by himself. Would you like to say hello? Do it, you have nothing to lose.

It helps to remember that he/she is looking for you also. Again you only need one good man/one good woman. Make a commitment that you will stay focused and alert for as long as it takes to find him. He may not be here yet but he can be here when you turn your head. Live in possibility. It is not a matter of if, but when. Persevere.

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I can guide you through this journey. I can help you process old hurts that are limiting you. Together we can create strategies that allow you to push through your fears and meet new people. When you do meet someone you are interested in, we can work on going slow and having boundaries. Call me, isn't it time to listen to your heart?

Remember. It is not always necessary to be in an intimate relationship to have a full life. There are many people who are not in an intimate relationship, who are alone but they are not lonely.

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Peg Walsh, CNS
Clinical Nurse Specialist | FT Myers Therapy
Peg Walsh is a licensed Clinical Nurse Specialist providing individual, couple, and group therapy. Peg is a graduate of Adelphi University, NY Medical College Program in Sex Therapy and the Florida Postgraduate Sex Therapy Training Institute. Peg has taken advanced training in the Gottman Method and simultaneously studied Emotionally Focused Therapy.